I honestly don’t even know what the purpose of this blog is right now. All I know is one thing … I need to write. Thousands of thoughts run through my head every single day, and I don’t know how to make sense of them all. My wants, desires, and goals are full of contradictions. I want stability, but I hate the type of jobs that provide it. I want to stay up all night, live on the edge, and live with passion … but I also want to take care of my body and set a good example for kids. I have needs that are in conflict. More than anything, I picture myself as a representation of the ultimate example of what success looks like mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. In fact, someone gave me that nickname a couple of years ago.
However, being the example isn’t easy. It requires discipline. The kind of discipline that I see in movies and admire so much. The kind of discipline that my heroes certainly must have had to achieve everything they have achieved in life.
The only problem with discipline is it’s boring; however, living an undisciplined life has a drawback as well. Being undisciplined leads to a life of chaos. I know this from experience. The last few years of my first marriage I gave into several temptations. Being undisciplined was one of them.
So if I know it’s a trap then why do a crave a life without it at times? I know that I will never be able to accomplish all that I want without working hard every single day. I know that being undisciplined will never allow me to become what God wants me to become.
So many times I have to remind myself that it’s not what I want, but what God wants. That’s the life that I need to live. That’s the life that I must commit myself to. Deep down I know that I’ll be blessed for living according to his will. But still I fight it. I wonder … is it a lack of faith that causes it?